How You Do Life Is How You Do Birth
I invite you to consider this quote, attributed to Martha Beck, “How you do anything is how you do everything.”
From book titles, to blogs, to academic articles, this quote—which is associated with self-discovery—has found its way into hundreds of publications (my estimate). Beck’s wise words can be applied to many arenas of life, and even to life’s challenges.
Most importantly to me (and all expecting parents reading this blog), I’ve witnessed the truth of this quote within the birth space. I’ve observed clients utilizing innate strengths and coping techniques that match their unique qualities. I’ve seen clients react incredibly in times of overwhelm, and call on their partners or teammates to join them and support them when they need it most.
So today, I invite you to take a deep dive into this concept, adapted from Martha Beck’s quote:
HOW YOU DO LIFE IS HOW YOU WILL *PROBABLY* DO BIRTH (I don’t like absolutes.)
Before we dig in, I want to preface this with the recognition that birth is unpredictable. There is absolutely no guarantee regarding how someone will respond in any given situation—and there is NO RIGHT OR WRONG way to respond/react. This statement is in NO way intended to infuse more fear, uncertainty, or work into your pregnancy or birthing plan! My hope is that it will serve as an exercise in NONJUDGEMENTAL SELF-EXPLORATION.
I believe pregnancy is a brilliant time to get to know yourself on many levels. It is a perfect time to explore the facets of self that will be beneficial during birth and parenthood (along with any aspects you determine might be best tempered). It is a time to acknowledge, foster, and embrace what makes you uniquely you and to allow you to be YOUR MOST AUTHENTIC SELF!
So how do you determine HOW YOU “LIFE”?
Let’s begin by talking about self-concept. This is where we clear the path to asking ourselves, “Who am I?” “What do I believe?” “How do I do well?” “How do I react?” and other self-celebrating and self-affirming questions.
Psychologist Carl Rogers breaks self-concept into three categories:
Ideal self – Who do you want to be?
Self-image – How do you see yourself?
Self-esteem – How much do you accept, value, and appreciate yourself?
Why is self-concept an important piece of the puzzle? Because our self-concept affects our thoughts, motivations, attitudes, and behaviors—all day, every day, factoring into our relationships, work, parenting, and even our birthing!
What makes you uniquely you?
I have broken “YOU” into seven areas of being. I encourage you to take time to explore each one. Use a journal, notebook, or note on your phone and keep a running dialogue going. There is no time limit on self-exploration. You can take hours, days, or weeks! And just like your self-concept, your list can be ever-changing. There is always opportunity to explore, amend, and celebrate who we are!
Here we go. Time to makes seven lists—seven unbiased, descriptive lists!
Personal Characteristics
What are the adjectives that describe you? What are your unique qualities and personality traits? You may choose to create two columns—one for how you describe yourself and another for how others may perceive you. Feel free to have your partner chime in (totally at your discretion)!
Here is a great springboard if you are like me and have a difficult time describing yourself:
http://www.ongoingworlds.com/blog/2014/11/a-big-long-list-of-personality-traits/
Once you have made your Personal Characteristics list, begin to ask:
Which characteristics may be beneficial during pregnancy? Labor? As I begin to parent?
Which traits do I want to foster?
Which aspects of my personality may serve me well?
Which qualities might best be left on the back burner?
Strengths
Your second list will explore your talents, knowledge, and skills, as well as any enduring and endearing qualities that make you special. Include things that make you feel proud of yourself, whether other people know about them or not. Also include things for which you have been recognized OR things you wish people would understand about you.
Need some inspiration? Look in the mirror and get into a superhero pose. What characteristics pop up? What are your superpowers?
Taking it further: Create a list with your partner describing your strengths as a couple.
Values
It’s time to evaluate what you hold dear. What are the attributes (in work, relationships, and personal character) you determine to be the most important and beneficial?
Check out this compilation of approximately 192 core values! https://www.saturdaygift.com/core-values-list/
Roles
Here we explore the roles in which we identify (e.g., father, employee, child, friend, spouse, partner). Ask yourself:
How do I typically “show up” in each of my roles?
How would people describe me in each role?
Are there similarities within my different roles?
Bonus: Explore your thoughts regarding the roles of others. What do I believe about the roles of other people in my relationships? What do I envision as the role of each of member of my birth team?
Challenges
Everyone faces challenges in life—some big, some small. Here we can think about our typical reactions and coping mechanisms when faced with adversity.
Do I tend to fawn, fight, freeze, or flee (take flight) in tense or triggering situations?
Do I easily ask for help or do I prefer to handle situations on my own?
Do I have coping skills that I can turn to in times of stress?
What helps me calm my nervous system when I’m dysregulated?
Beliefs
We all have beliefs and opinions about just about everything under the sun (and moon)! They have been formulated by our families, our environment, and our society. From casual passing considerations to deep-seeded convictions, our beliefs tend to show up all day, every day, and make up a large percentage of our 50,000 daily thoughts!
Here, I invite you to think about the thoughts and opinions you hold surrounding childbirth. This is not a list meant to challenge or change your beliefs. Rather, use it to shed additional light on your birth priorities and preferences.
Goals
Final step: Take some time to explore your life goals. Again, these can be both big and small. What do you hope to accomplish, whether today or in ten years? From “to-do” to “bucket,” create a list (or lists) of things that are important in your life.
And I will gently ask you to explore any goals regarding your pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period. This is not about formulating a “perfectly” choreographed birth plan. Simply allow yourself to envisionthings that have the potential to contribute to a positive birth experience.
As you complete your 7 lists . . . my wish is that you will:
get to KNOW THYSELF a bit better.
feel more connected to your authentic self.
have more understanding of your self-concept.
learn how to call on your strengths (both individual and as a couple) in times of stress.
use your values and goals to make confident decisions.
feel more empowered to honor and express your needs.
start to develop an awareness of HOW YOU DO LIFE!
HAPPY SELF-EXPLORATION!